It's curious to wonder...

Why bother trying to impress a world that does not care about you?

Who are you?

You are nothing.

If you died tomorrow, would the clockwork stop?

Noise: Wild World by Beth Orton

and the truth is...

... that I miss you.

x

Noise: Pagan Angel and a Borrowed Car, Iron & Wine.

Education.

I have nothing against it, but so what if you are a scholar, or have multiple degrees. It's not about what qualifications you have, but what you do with it that really counts for something.

Do you have an education, or a piece of paper?

Noise: Slave to the Wage, Placebo.

God.

I can be such an idiot sometimes. What the fuck.

I go through bouts.

True.

Stop escaping into your virtual world. It's not real.

Noise: I Go Deep by Jim Rivers.

(sigh, Nicole...)

press pause, please.

I am so desperate to live an interesting life. My life is worthwhile and interesting, but I just have spent so much time focusing on getting it that way that even though it's happened, I just haven't realized it because I can't remember what it was like before.

That said, even if I stop to appreciate what I have, I soon realize that sometimes I am tired and want to go home. Maybe my life was more justified when I made less of a purposeful effort; but I'm so afraid of fading into oblivion, of having nothing to show for my time here.

I am so afraid of being pointless.

reverse effect.

is it strange that the more I live, the less I value my life?

...

... Actually, no, I take that back. I do feel pain. I just wonder what it would be like to admit it.

x

Hi.

It's been awhile.

I don't really have anything of value to say... I just thought I'd send out a thought to the universe.

I've realized that I have been so disconnected that I no longer feel pain. And I've recently wondered what that must feel like. Real, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking pain.

Noise: I'm Waking Up To Us by Belle And Sebastian

Live below your means.

I'm 21. I have a full time job. I shop. I eat. I take taxis. And the day before I get my pay, I find that I am always broke. Why? Because I can never find the discipline to live below my means. But I'm getting there... I'm almost there. I'm learning to live a comfortable life, and not a wasteful one. I'm learning that it's pointless to try and live life to fool myself into thinking that wealth is measured in material objects. A Ferragamo bag, a silk robe, a pair of Jimmy Choo's... they are beautiful, but they don't mean anything. I'm learning that it is not about spending to impress others.

Manage your money wisely so that your money does not manage you. Always live well below your means, and redefine your definition of 'rich'. Because wealth is about being able to live comfortably, and then helping somebody else to do the same.

Here, but not here.

'I'm aware of my tongue... It's an awful feeling!

Every now and then I become aware that I have a tongue inside my mouth, and then it starts to feel lumped up...

I can't help it... I can't put it out of my mind...

I keep thinking about where my tongue would be if I weren't thinking about it, and then I can feel it sort of pressing against my teeth...'

- Linus, Peanuts

Recently, more frequently, I have become particularly aware of my physical body in its entirety, the world in its entirety, reality in its entirety. It feels like suddenly waking up from a falling dream, or almost bumping into somebody upon turning a corner, or like you're being chased by a bear even though you are sitting still. It's like the simple fact that I am actually real and breathing suddenly hits me, with the same freshness of an epiphany each time. It leaves me a bit giddy, gets my heart beating a bit faster, produces a slight acidic taste in my mouth and causes a brief surge of clammy, bubbling anxiety, like the initial stages of a panic attack. But I look around and see that everything is actually OK. It doesn't really match up. The moment quickly passes, but leaves me in a sort of confused state. 

The thing about such moments of heightened awareness that bothers me isn't so much the dizzying headrush that accompanies them, but the implication that the rest of the time, I might as well be asleep, since I am essentially cruising around on autopilot, scarcely even aware that I am...here.