Friendly grief.

I think I am just sad because I feel like I am drifting away from the ones I've known because not only are we in different points in our lives but we have different values and beliefs and unfortunately, nobody seems to know the definition or boundary of friendship and nobody wants to adhere to them even if they did know the fundamentals.

Those wasteful, uncaring scuzzballs.

In other related news, I don't think I have ever been this longing for money. Sure modeling had those peaks but surely I can survive without succumbing myself to such meaningless labour? I understand that others in my age group may not have the allowance that I get but neither are they at a point in their lives that I am in. And I have already altered my lifestyle to suit my... less than normal amount (I refuse to say 'lack') of money.
So this new found 'desperation' has given me a whole new perspective on the true 'needy'. My friends – my scavengers -, we are scavengers, but yet in reality we are only poor because we splurge on $200 jeans. Ok, I don't splurge on $200 jeans but.. the others do. I don't think we/they really realize what it is like to be poor; to have to count your coins. If anything this has taught me not to use my words so candidly. It is true that your words have power. So today I will not say that I am broke, because to be broke is something I never want to be. It's nothing to be laughed about, it's an honest desperation that will only inspire frustration, anger and disconnection between parties. And I can say that that is not a very pretty time to have to go through.

It's funny how so few actually, really, genuinely care. And it's not just the let me sit down and nod while you speak care, but the... let me try and see how I can help, or oh look there is something I can do that can help you or... that kind of care. It is so rare, and I think it is sadly dissipating. You know what friends are? Friends are people who will offer you their home when you are running away from yours. Friends are people who loan you their life savings for you to build your life. Friends are those who offer you a job when you need money.
I'm obviously trying to say something but I don't know who reads this and I don't want to be so.. well, obvious, but this vague alternative isn't exactly coming out very well either.

I should just go back to the insecure industry. Nobody succeeds at being vague there.

x

Noise: Walk In Fire, Doves

P.S. There are no pictures because 1) my camera has just fizzled out and died (I have no idea how/why), 2) Henry is enjoying life in his fancy Mayfair apartment in London (he has a concierge! like in the movies! how excellent!) so I have no motivation to be... exciting, 3) I am so consumed with school, moping around and saving money that I have no time for anything picture-worthy and 4) I don't have $700 of disposable cash to get a new camera.

Waiting for sweet relief.

Everybody around me is so tetchy today. I can practically feel them scratching against my skin. I've been barraged with irate henpecking, and the (supposed and dismissive) fatality of this situation has left me in a fit of pique.

I am stuck in the core of the doldrums, waiting for some relief, some outlet, some... anything.

Then there are those who scheme and lie just to pretend they are worth more. And those who go on and on about their successes, hoping I will say 'oh my god you are so cool let me worship the ground you walk on'. What is it with such vulnerability and insecurity and... immense naiveté? But the question really should be why I bother spending time with these wanting people. A part of me wants to 'rescue' them, but the other side says that they do not need rescuing, they need a good wake up slap.

I need to get back into my bubble of security and just shut myself off from these irksome individuals. Anger, frustration, cattiness and weakness make me physically sick.

Cursing, swearing and pretending does not solve any problems, does not make you stronger or feel better, and neither will it get you anywhere in life.

x

Noise: News.

Pride.

How much does pride matter when you've been hurt by a friend but don't want to seem to desperate to tell them?

I'm midly offended, and it doesn't help that this decision (that obviously doesn't include me) keeps getting rubbed in my face by those who were included.

But I'm not petty, really. I must have just been misled. Maybe I place my friends in esteems too high, along with my expectations. Or maybe it's a really simple and innocent reason. Maybe they just forgot. Although that may be the worst.

I wouldn't know; I'm too proud to ask.

x

Noise: Zone Reality.

It's a crisp yet cordial morning.

So I sit here, at 7.30am, in the middle of the business canteen with my cup of tea and sandwich, and type away to the rhythm of the classical music that harmonizes in the background.

I wonder why I don't do this more often - come to school early that is. It's so peaceful and cheery, even with the grey skies, glistening grass and chilly breeze.

It's a pity I don't have the chance to fully embrace this moment; such a rarity that tea and classical music alone can cut through my benumbed senses. But I've got an article to rush.

Blame it on the weatherman.

x

Noise: Classical, Media Biz.

Just Joy.

The idea of happiness is about a few centuries old.. People from years ago (and today, too) thought that happiness came from 'things' that gave them a sense of purpose or feeling of elation. But today, happines is just a state of mind. The happiness that comes from within, the one we all seek after, is joy.

Joy is a sense of meaning and purpose and it serves to comfort and calm. If you just glance at our socienty, you will notice that people are looking for bigger, better cars, richer friends, 'cooler' contacts and bigger breasts. So few are happy or contented with what they have; the things they need. No matter how rich or how poor people are, we always want more.
I read somewhere that scientists have found that babies who smile or laugh a lot have a lot of left frontal activity in their brain.
Joyful people tend to have a lot more friends, and find it easier to get people to cooperate with them.
Optimists expect only the best, and so they perform better to achieve their state of happiness and impression of joy.
Some people are happy just by doing the simple things that they love to do on a constant basis.
Close relationships with a person also gives a sense of joy and happiness, as you feel connected to that person and know that you are thought about and loved.
Extroverts who surround themselves with people are usually more joyful. They find excuses to laugh and interact with others and this makes them happy.

Personally, I don't find happiness just by laughing or being humourous, as humour is fleeting and eventually gives way to the emptiness that was always there.
Happiness doesn't come from drugs, sex and alcohol. These things don't give anybody a purpose, they serve no meaning or function, and they don't comfort. So when you say, 'I'm happy' or 'I'm filled with joy', what does that mean? What do I gain by being happy if there is no joy?

Honestly, I don't know what happiness means to me because it is only temporary.

Joy however, is my strength. It is what keeps me going when I realize that without all the materials in life, I am nothing.
Because he is with me, and I am successful because he is with me. I can speak to the walls, and they may not listen, but he's always with me.

And in that Joy I find my comfort, I find my meaning and my purpose, and most of all I find the love and the peace that allows me to approach everything in life with equanimity.

Joy is the essential heartbeat of existence.

x

Noise: Skin and Bones, Foo Fighters.