When I see you.

I have been so busy that my breaks are never real 'breaks'. They are usually a chase to fulfill (the remnants of) my social life or time spent reassessing my life and relationships.

With hindsight, I expect everyone to just know what I want, but I forget to realize that the loud reverberations in my head are just that - thoughts in my head. I think one of the most valuable characteristic that I have picked up is my ability to be honest. I tried the mind game technique once, and even though that gave me a rush sometimes, it eventually only led to grave disappointment and immense sadness. So now I've found that it is so much easier just to say what you feel, because we can all live with the hope that people know what we want, but chances are, they don't. I will apply my honesty and give the issues in my head a voice.

---

I miss serious conversations, about life and death and success and failure. I miss talking about me, talking about you and the thoughts that plague us. I miss watching you watch your surroundings, understanding your interpretations of the things around you, and witnessing your train of thought. We're distanced emotionally, and to me, the emotional aspect is worth so much more than the physical. Let's give our thoughts a voice.

x

Noise: Watermark, Enya.

Friendly grief.

I think I am just sad because I feel like I am drifting away from the ones I've known because not only are we in different points in our lives but we have different values and beliefs and unfortunately, nobody seems to know the definition or boundary of friendship and nobody wants to adhere to them even if they did know the fundamentals.

Those wasteful, uncaring scuzzballs.

In other related news, I don't think I have ever been this longing for money. Sure modeling had those peaks but surely I can survive without succumbing myself to such meaningless labour? I understand that others in my age group may not have the allowance that I get but neither are they at a point in their lives that I am in. And I have already altered my lifestyle to suit my... less than normal amount (I refuse to say 'lack') of money.
So this new found 'desperation' has given me a whole new perspective on the true 'needy'. My friends – my scavengers -, we are scavengers, but yet in reality we are only poor because we splurge on $200 jeans. Ok, I don't splurge on $200 jeans but.. the others do. I don't think we/they really realize what it is like to be poor; to have to count your coins. If anything this has taught me not to use my words so candidly. It is true that your words have power. So today I will not say that I am broke, because to be broke is something I never want to be. It's nothing to be laughed about, it's an honest desperation that will only inspire frustration, anger and disconnection between parties. And I can say that that is not a very pretty time to have to go through.

It's funny how so few actually, really, genuinely care. And it's not just the let me sit down and nod while you speak care, but the... let me try and see how I can help, or oh look there is something I can do that can help you or... that kind of care. It is so rare, and I think it is sadly dissipating. You know what friends are? Friends are people who will offer you their home when you are running away from yours. Friends are people who loan you their life savings for you to build your life. Friends are those who offer you a job when you need money.
I'm obviously trying to say something but I don't know who reads this and I don't want to be so.. well, obvious, but this vague alternative isn't exactly coming out very well either.

I should just go back to the insecure industry. Nobody succeeds at being vague there.

x

Noise: Walk In Fire, Doves

P.S. There are no pictures because 1) my camera has just fizzled out and died (I have no idea how/why), 2) Henry is enjoying life in his fancy Mayfair apartment in London (he has a concierge! like in the movies! how excellent!) so I have no motivation to be... exciting, 3) I am so consumed with school, moping around and saving money that I have no time for anything picture-worthy and 4) I don't have $700 of disposable cash to get a new camera.

Waiting for sweet relief.

Everybody around me is so tetchy today. I can practically feel them scratching against my skin. I've been barraged with irate henpecking, and the (supposed and dismissive) fatality of this situation has left me in a fit of pique.

I am stuck in the core of the doldrums, waiting for some relief, some outlet, some... anything.

Then there are those who scheme and lie just to pretend they are worth more. And those who go on and on about their successes, hoping I will say 'oh my god you are so cool let me worship the ground you walk on'. What is it with such vulnerability and insecurity and... immense naiveté? But the question really should be why I bother spending time with these wanting people. A part of me wants to 'rescue' them, but the other side says that they do not need rescuing, they need a good wake up slap.

I need to get back into my bubble of security and just shut myself off from these irksome individuals. Anger, frustration, cattiness and weakness make me physically sick.

Cursing, swearing and pretending does not solve any problems, does not make you stronger or feel better, and neither will it get you anywhere in life.

x

Noise: News.

Pride.

How much does pride matter when you've been hurt by a friend but don't want to seem to desperate to tell them?

I'm midly offended, and it doesn't help that this decision (that obviously doesn't include me) keeps getting rubbed in my face by those who were included.

But I'm not petty, really. I must have just been misled. Maybe I place my friends in esteems too high, along with my expectations. Or maybe it's a really simple and innocent reason. Maybe they just forgot. Although that may be the worst.

I wouldn't know; I'm too proud to ask.

x

Noise: Zone Reality.

It's a crisp yet cordial morning.

So I sit here, at 7.30am, in the middle of the business canteen with my cup of tea and sandwich, and type away to the rhythm of the classical music that harmonizes in the background.

I wonder why I don't do this more often - come to school early that is. It's so peaceful and cheery, even with the grey skies, glistening grass and chilly breeze.

It's a pity I don't have the chance to fully embrace this moment; such a rarity that tea and classical music alone can cut through my benumbed senses. But I've got an article to rush.

Blame it on the weatherman.

x

Noise: Classical, Media Biz.

Just Joy.

The idea of happiness is about a few centuries old.. People from years ago (and today, too) thought that happiness came from 'things' that gave them a sense of purpose or feeling of elation. But today, happines is just a state of mind. The happiness that comes from within, the one we all seek after, is joy.

Joy is a sense of meaning and purpose and it serves to comfort and calm. If you just glance at our socienty, you will notice that people are looking for bigger, better cars, richer friends, 'cooler' contacts and bigger breasts. So few are happy or contented with what they have; the things they need. No matter how rich or how poor people are, we always want more.
I read somewhere that scientists have found that babies who smile or laugh a lot have a lot of left frontal activity in their brain.
Joyful people tend to have a lot more friends, and find it easier to get people to cooperate with them.
Optimists expect only the best, and so they perform better to achieve their state of happiness and impression of joy.
Some people are happy just by doing the simple things that they love to do on a constant basis.
Close relationships with a person also gives a sense of joy and happiness, as you feel connected to that person and know that you are thought about and loved.
Extroverts who surround themselves with people are usually more joyful. They find excuses to laugh and interact with others and this makes them happy.

Personally, I don't find happiness just by laughing or being humourous, as humour is fleeting and eventually gives way to the emptiness that was always there.
Happiness doesn't come from drugs, sex and alcohol. These things don't give anybody a purpose, they serve no meaning or function, and they don't comfort. So when you say, 'I'm happy' or 'I'm filled with joy', what does that mean? What do I gain by being happy if there is no joy?

Honestly, I don't know what happiness means to me because it is only temporary.

Joy however, is my strength. It is what keeps me going when I realize that without all the materials in life, I am nothing.
Because he is with me, and I am successful because he is with me. I can speak to the walls, and they may not listen, but he's always with me.

And in that Joy I find my comfort, I find my meaning and my purpose, and most of all I find the love and the peace that allows me to approach everything in life with equanimity.

Joy is the essential heartbeat of existence.

x

Noise: Skin and Bones, Foo Fighters.

We're dating

The "ultimate mezza9 experience" was our choice of location, after much debate. I'm glad we made it there though. It turned out to be quite the experience, only because it was just us. I truly appreciated the alone time we had... and we aren't even married with kids. What is up with that! Living in different parts of the world is not so friendly when it comes to spending time with each other. But we work around it. :)



Me: A grand cosmo; selection of sushi; sashimi and maki roll; foie gras terrine with waxy potato and roasted pistachia salad, truffle oil, toasted brioche; double-boiled chicken broth with mushrooms and ginseng roots; yum hoi shell spicy scallop salad with coconut cream, mint leaves, lemon grass and deep fried chilli; shitake mushroom and lady finger yakitori; wood roasted boston lobster with garlic, chilli and parsley butter; m9 dessert platter and 9 piece m9 chochlate pralines.

Him: Bloody meat, wine... bloody meat... BLOODY meat!!


BLOODY MEAT!!!!! How horrifying is that...

But all in all it was a good time. Good 'chit chat' and unadulterated fun.







I hope you know somebody loves you.

x

Noise: Apollo 13, Tears.

In festal array.

Walking alone in the heart of the city, Orchard Road. The rain beats down and there is not a single soul in sight.
Just me, and my Rain Magic.

Off to meet the one who gets the twinkle from my ticker.



It's the only modus operandi; the only way to go about filling the cheer without the chill in your bones.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

If anything...

If everything could ever feel this real forever.

Just in my shell, looking out and waiting for redemption in a few days. I think I've grown to appreciate the practicality of emotions and love and sentiments. That said, I certainly revel in the security of being loved and being in love.

It's the innocent love and the raw lust.


Noise: Ooh La La, Goldfrapp.

Insatiable.

He says, I miss you, you know.
She says (like she always does), how much?
He pauses.
He says, like the deserts miss the rain.

Such banality, but because she languishes after him, she chuckles politely.
But underneath that cliché she sees his sincerity.


Our two year idyll. Who said it was unattainable?



x

Noise: Think I'm In Love, Beck.

Foo fighting, summarized.

"Exquisitely intimate, occasionally raucous and prompting everything from laughter to tears. If one concert can deliver such a range of emotions, surely it's proof of true brilliance on stage. Dave Grohl might have casually sauntered on to the stage of teh Opera House with an open-necked shirt – constantly chewing on a piece of gum that, somewhat miraculously, remained in his mouth throughout every song – but this was a convert that defined him as a true master of his game. Not simply because his songs (ranging from across the 12-year career the Foo Fighters) were piercingly good, but also because his own genuine love for music was inspirational.
Apart from the striking delivery of the songs, with eight musicions on stage including a violinist and percussionist, it was Grohl's story-telling that set this event apart. Apart from comic one-liners and tales about recording his songs acoustically, there was an intensely autobiographical side to this event which was surprisingly moving. When Grohl stood alone on stage towards the end of the show, gently telling his story about joining up with Nirvana - "when I met them, I thought, 'these two guys are just weird'," he said with a smile – it was breathtakingly intimate.
He revealed he'd written the song Friend Of A Friend (which appears on the Foo Fighters' current album) many years ago, when he was sitting in a room with Kurt Cobain. When he sang the song - clean and soft - it was heart-wrenching. Ultimately though, the concert was a joyous celebration for Grohl, of the way music has changed and shaped his life - not to mention his impact on many others."

x


Noise: Miss You Love, Silverchair

Raw Music.

On Wednesday night, Henry, Mara and I went to see the Foo Fighter's acoustic gig at the Sydney Opera House. Now, firstly, let me say that the esplanade looks better than the opera house, but that's only because the design is newer. I live just opposite the opera house so it was about time we went and had a closer look.


I took mostly videos of their performance because obviously the flash didn't work, and non-flash images were so very shaky and blurred. I'm still trying to figure youtube out to try and post the videos.
The performance was absolutely breathataking. I literally had goose bumps from the pure... melody that came out of Dave Grohl. Would would have thought that the drummer of legendary Nirvana had such an amazing voice and so much skill. The entire two hour long concert was peppered with hilarious and some very personal anecdotes from Dave Grohl, and his showmanship was amazing. I felt like I was at a stand up comedy show at some points. You can see the chemistry that he and his band mates have, and it's so comforting to know that they're not those high-and-mighty sort who can't just sit back and have a laugh at themselves.

Dave Grohl did some performances alone, after the encore. He sang 'the best of you' - it was just him and his guitar. For those of you who have heard the song, it begins with 'I"VE GOT ANOTHER CONFESSION TO MAKE' - he literally screams it. He came on stage and unexpectedly belted it out. I was stunned because the whole evening he was just singing melodious... acoustic songs. Now whenever I hear that song I get the tingles (like Henry said). Unreal.
He wrote a ballad that he titled the beaconsfield miner's ballad and played it the night we were there because one of the miners were present. He was actually sitting just two rows behind us. For those of you who don't know, the beaconsfield mine collapsed some weeks ago, killing one miner and trapping two others (it was in Australia, of course). The two who were trapped were underground for days because it took the rescue that long to get to them. One of the miners, Brant Webb, asked for Foo Fighters on an iPod. Dave Grohl got word of this, and told triple J radio that once they get out, he would buy them a beer wherever he was. So on wednesday night, Dave Grohl and Brant Webb met after the performance for a beer. And Dave Grohl was quoted as saying that he wouldn't just buy one beer - they would go all the way. It's so real of him to do that, and I was very touched by that ballad that he wrote for them.

I can't really describe the performance so well, because my words won't do it much justice, if at all. So here are just some of the very memorable moments that night.



Hilarity:

- He was taking about how he likes acoustic performances, and that all their songs begin with just the voice and the guitar:
"I don't sit watching the tv with the f*cken' Marshall stack behind me."

- He was trying to get the crowd to stop yelling because he couldn't hear what they were saying, so he started out as if he were placating a baby:
"shhhhh... tsk tsk tsk shhhhh... no no no no, quiet, quiet. shhh shhh."
and then it turned into:
"shhhh.. no no no. hold it. *silence* ahhhhhhh."
as if he were having an orgasm.

- So the band was playing some 'background music' while Dave Grohl was talking, and halfway through his sentence he said:
"Here we are playing this f*cken' spy music..."

- Petra (who was on violin/tambourine etc) was very quiet the whole time, and would only end up laughing whenever Dave Grohl said something, and Dave said this about her:
"yeah you think she's very shy and quiet but she's the one later on who will be throwing TVs out the window"

- He was introducing Taylor Hawkins, the drummer, and how he was going to sing one of their songs. Then he said of Taylor:
"This guy is like the secret weapon you never knew you had. He's the drummer who can sing. It's like being in a street fight and then all of a sudden finding a wrench. Wait what the hell am I saying?! That doesn't make no f*cken' sense!"
To which Taylor replied:
"I'm the wrench!"
And Dave Grohl exclaimed:
"Ah you get it!"
Their Taylor-Dave banter continued as Dave Grohl said:
"I love this guy. I love this guy. I love you man (and Taylor's head was down). Look at me when I tell you that (Taylor raised his head slightly). I love you! (said really quickly - Taylor looked down). Look at me man... I wanna tell you I love you! Iloveyou! Iloveyou!"
And all this while Taylor is hitting the kick drum in regular 4-4 beat. Finally Dave Grohl says:
"Ha! I said it three times! And you looked me in the eye!"
So it really was a very relaxed... and funny environment.

- When he was introducing a separate song that he wrote when he first joined Nirvana (which is the song that started the In Your Honour album), he talked about how he ended up as the drummer for Nirvana. Basically he dropped out of school, and started touring with his friends - his idea of tour was basically the 8 of them touring in a 6 person van. Eventually, at one of their gigs (they were in a punk band, Scream), Nirvana watched it and Chris Novoselic (the bassist of Nirvana) told Kurt Cobain, "we need a drummer like that". Somebody heard this, told Dave Grohl and suggested that he give them a call. He did, but they said that at that point they had a friend who was playing with them at the minute. The next day, Nirvana called back and said "but you should come out and hang with us". They were at Tacona, which is near Seattle. Dave Grohl decided to move to Seattle now that Scream had broken up, and he describes Tacona as "the worst place in the world" because of all the paper mills. In his words, it was like "somebody had shoved broccoli up their bum and boiled it". He lived in Chris Novoselic's apartment which was basically an attic - Chris was 1.97m, and apparently couldn't even stand up in his own apartment. Nirvana already released Bleach, so Dave Grohl was their drummer from then on.

- Then Dave Grohl went to live with Kurt Cobain, and remembers thinking that they were just weird. He slept on Kurt Cobain's sofa, and remembers that Kurt Cobain used to keep turtles but never clean the tank. Because of that, the turtles (which were situated just next to the couch) would keep trying to get out of the tank all night and when Dave Grohl tried to sleep, they would go 'boom, boom, boom'. At this point, Dave Grohl kept walking into the mic while banging his head with it for effect.

- They filmed Big Me in Australia, and Dave Grohl mentioned it. Someone in the crowd then yelled out "which street!" and Dave Grohl replied:
"I don't know what f*cken' street! I just sit in my limousine and watch the world go by."
Later on, the "what street!" became a running joke when Dave Grohl told the audience that he was sitting in his hotel room when he composed the ballad for the beaconsfield miners. Someone yelled out "what street was it on!" (his hotel) and I can't remember what Dave Grohl replied, but I'm sure there were some curses. :)

These were just some of the many highlights of the performance. I would go through all of them but then Henry and I are just leaving to drive up to Hunter Valley for wine tasting and then to Ports Stephens to spot some whales/dolphins/hammerheads.

I really, really love Australia.


So to end this post off, here are the flowers that greeted me yesterday when I opened the door at home. From Henry, Happy Friday Afternoon. :)


x

Noise: In Your Honour by Foo Fighters.